A Collection Of Humor And Thoughts

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

Murphy Was A Smart Man!

  1. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
  2. Everything takes longer than you think.
  3. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
  4. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
  5. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
  6. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
  7. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
  8. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
  10. Mother nature is a bitch.
  11. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
  12. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
  13. Every solution breeds new problems.

Murphy's Laws

Corollaries

  1. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
  2. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious
  3. Law of the Perversity of Nature (Mrs. Murphy's Corollary):
  4. You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
  5. Corollary (Jenning):
  6. The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
  7. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
  8. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
  9. Friendly fire ain't.
  10. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
  11. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
  12. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
  13. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
  14. Incoming fire has the right of way.
  15. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
  16. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
  17. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
  18. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
  19. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
  20. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
  21. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
  22. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Murphy's Technology Laws

  1. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
  2. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
  3. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
  4. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
  5. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
  6. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
  7. The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
  8. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
  9. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
  10. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
  11. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
  12. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
  13. All's well that ends.
  14. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
  15. The first myth of management is that it exists.
  16. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
  17. New systems generate new problems.
  18. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
  19. We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
  20. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
  21. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
  22. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
  23. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
  24. Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
  25. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
  26. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
  27. After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
  28. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
  29. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
  30. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
  31. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
  32. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
  33. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
  34. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
  35. The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
  36. In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
  37. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
  38. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
  39. The only perfect science is hind-sight.
  40. Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
  41. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
  42. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
  43. When all else fails, read the instructions.
  44. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
  45. Everything that goes up must come down.
  46. Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
  47. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
  48. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
  49. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

Murphy's Love Laws

  1. All the good ones are taken.
  2. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)
  3. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
  4. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
  5. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
  6. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
  7. The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
  8. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
  9. Nice guys(girls) finish last.
  10. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
  11. Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

Murphy's Laws of Sex

  1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
  2. Nothing improves with age.
  3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
  4. Sex has no calories.
  5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
  6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
  7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
  8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
  9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
  10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
  11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
  12. Virginity can be cured.
  13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
  14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
  15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
  16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
  17. It is always the wrong time of month.
  18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
  19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
  20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
  21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
  22. The younger the better.
  23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
  24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
  25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
  26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
  27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
  28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
  29. Love is a hole in the heart.
  30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
  31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
  32. Do it only with the best.
  33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
  34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
  35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
  36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
  38. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
  39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
  40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
  41. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
  42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
  43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
  44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
  45. Never say no.
  46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
  47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
  48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
  49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
  50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
  51. Love comes in spurts.
  52. The world does not revolve on an axis.
  53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
  54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
  55. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
  56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
  57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
  58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
  59. "This won't hurt, I promise."