Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every
action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is
a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed
mouth gathers no feet.
If you
look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always
yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills
travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience
is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well,
stay fit, die anyway.
Men are
from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband
has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced
diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle
age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change
places.
Opportunities
always look bigger going than coming.
Junk
is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There
is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Artificial
intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going
to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.
Thou
shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone
who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I believe
the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the
bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.