Dear Mrs. Liles
Retirement does not have to be boring!!
Dear Mrs. Liles:
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Paul Liles, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior, and are considering banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Liles have been compiled and are listed below. Please be advised that you may be hearing from our solicitor in the near future.
For your convenience, I have itemized our observations.
You may want to discuss these actions with your husband.
Mr. Wally Zimbrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
MEMO RE: Mr. Paul Liles
Complaints - 15 Things Mr.Liles has done while his spouse/partner is shopping elsewhere in the store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 2-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares..... And watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in, if they brought pillows from the Bedding Dept.
8. September 23: If a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least,
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"