Turkey Thanksgiving Humor

When our perils are past, shall our gratitude sleep?  ~George Canning

A Little Humor Never Hurts

Page Created: 11/26/2000 Page Last Updated: 11/05/2023 00:44

In fact... It is the best medecine!

Cooking The Turkey

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Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Ten Ways To Use A Turkey

1. As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.
2. As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time.
3. As a hood ornament.
4. As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and say,
"How much you've grown!"
5. As a football for the after-meal game.
6. One word...bowling!
7. As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test
the range of the splatter upon impact.
8. As a gift/bribe for a professor.
9. As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)
10. As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.

Thanksgiving Weather Report

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34 F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Soap And Water

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and shouted, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Rocketing Turkey

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving

Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned
the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation
 with all of my might.

Tossing and turning
with anticipation,
the thought of a snack
became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen,
flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge,
full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey
and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots,
beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling
so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden,
I rose off the ground.


I crashed through the ceiling,
floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding
and a handful of pie

But, I managed to yell
as I soared past the trees...
happy eating to all
---pass the cranberries, please