I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Don't ever say that Obama didn't get things done.
Here is a list of several things that he was responsible for.
First President to have a social security number from a state he's never lived in
First President to Preside over a Cut to the Credit Rating of the United States Government
First President to Violate the War Powers Act
First President to Orchestrate the Sale of Murder Weapons to Mexican Drug Cartels
First President to be Held in Contempt of Court for Illegally Obstructing Oil Drilling in the Gulf of Mexico
First President to Defy a Federal Judge's Court Order to Cease Implementing the 'Health Care Reform' Law
First President to Require All Americans to Purchase a Product From a Third Party
First President to Spend a Trillion Dollars on 'Shovel-Ready' Jobs-- and Later Admit There Was No Such Thing as Shovel-Ready Jobs
First President to Abrogate Bankruptcy Law to Turn Over Control of Companies to His Union Supporters
First President to Bypass Congress and Implement the DREAM Act Through Executive Fiat
First President to "Order a Secret Amnesty Program that Stopped the Deportations of Illegal Immigrants Across the US , Including Those With Criminal Convictions"
First President to Demand a Company Hand Over $20 Billion to One of His Political Appointees
First President to Terminate America's Ability to Put a Man into Space
First President to Encourage Racial Discrimination and Intimidation at Polling Places
First President to Have a Law Signed By an 'Auto-pen' Without Being "Present"
First President to Arbitrarily Declare an Existing Law Unconstitutional and Refuse to Enforce It
First President to Threaten Insurance Companies if they Publicly Speak out on the Reasons for their Rate Increases
First President to Tell a Major Manufacturing Company In Which State They Are Allowed to Locate a Factory
First President to File Lawsuits Against the States He Swore an Oath to Protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN, etc)
First President to Withdraw an Existing Coal Permit That Had Been Properly Issued Years Ago
First President to Fire an Inspector General of Ameri-corps for Catching One of His Friends in a Corruption Case
First President to Propose an Executive Order Demanding Companies Disclose Their Political Contributions to bid on Government Contracts
First President to appoint 45 'czars' to replace elected officials in his office.
First President to Golf 83 separate Times in His First Three Quarter Years in Office
First President to hide his medical, educational, and travel records
First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it
First President to coddle America's enemies while alienating America's allies
First President to publicly bow to Americas enemies while refusing to salute the US flag
First President to go on multiple Global apology tours.
First President to go on 17 'vacations', including 'date nights' paid for by the taxpayer
First President to refuse to show a valid Birth Certificate.
First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings…"
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
(Now, that is beautiful!)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height…" And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right… I am amphibious."
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips.
Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."