Say What????

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts!

Even Dear Abbey Didn't Know How To Answer These!

Dear Abby, 

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.  Do you think they could be Lebanese? 

Dear Abby, 

What can I do about all the sex, nudity, fowl language and violence on my VCR? 

Dear Abby, 

I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. 

Dear Abby, 

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. 

Dear Abby, 

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. 

Dear Abby, 

Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? 

Dear Abby, 

I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, 

My forty-year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.  He must be crazy. 

Dear Abby, 

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. 

Dear Abby, 

My mother is mean and short tempered.  I think she is going through mental pause. 

Dear Abby, 

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.  Now what do I do?

Lovemaking For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle..

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Aspirin ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want...the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Definitions Of Old

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN...You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.