Being A Man Is Great
Damn, It's Good to Be a Man! Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky". Same work. . . more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" One mood, ALL the damn time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8. 95 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me. " You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. Damn, it's Good to be a Man.