Thoughts And Ponderisms; Overheard
“A man is what he thinks about all day long.”
Overheard Witticisms
- The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
- If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
- Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- Born free... taxed to death.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
- There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
- I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
- So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
- Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
- If, a two letter word for futility
- I don't care, I don't have to.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
- To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Horn broken, watch for finger.
- All men are idiots ... I married their king.
- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
- My kid had sex with your honor student.
- Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
- Give pizza chants.
- Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
- This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
- How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
- If something goes without saying, LET IT!
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
- Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
- IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
- Life's a buffet... so eat me!
- I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
- If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
- I love cats ... dead ones
- I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Where are we going? And why are we in this hand basket?
- I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything.
- Keep honking, I'm reloading.
- Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
- Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
- Hang up and drive.
- Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
- I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
- WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
- This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
- I have the body of a god... Buddha!
- I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
- Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy
- If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
- Guns don't kill people... but they make it real easy.
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like
the passengers in his car.
- Tow-ers will be violated
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
- Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
- Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
- Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
