Paul's Puns!

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts!

Pun Away!!

A collection of wonderfully groan-worthy jokes and puns.

🍕 Food & Drink

  1. I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
  2. Lettuce celebrate!
  3. I'm kind of a big dill.
  4. Don't go bacon my heart.
  5. You're one in a melon.
  6. I love you from my head tomatoes.
  7. Life is what you bake it.
  8. Donut worry, be happy.
  9. You're the loaf of my life.
  10. That's nacho problem.
  11. I'm feeling grate today.
  12. You're looking sharp, cheddar!
  13. We make a great pear.
  14. Orange you glad to see me?
  15. Peas give me a chance.
  16. I'm rooting for you.
  17. That joke was corny.
  18. You butter believe it.
  19. I'm soy into you.
  20. Taco 'bout a good time!
  21. I knead a vacation.
  22. I've got muffin to lose.
  23. Don't be so shellfish.
  24. That's the yeast of my worries.
  25. I'm having a grape day.

🐶 Animals

  1. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
  2. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
  3. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
  4. Alpaca my bags.
  5. Owl be seeing you.
  6. You've got to be kitten me.
  7. I'm feline pretty good.
  8. That was purr-fect.
  9. Stop horsing around.
  10. I herd you the first time.
  11. That's irrelephant.
  12. I'm not lion.
  13. You're totally pawsome.
  14. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
  15. What do cows read? The moos-paper.
  16. What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie? Sofishticated.
  17. Something smells fishy.
  18. I'm having a whale of a time.
  19. Seal you later!
  20. Let minnow what you think.
  21. You're otter this world.
  22. No prob-llama.
  23. I'm feeling a little sheepish.
  24. Ewe have got to be kidding.
  25. Toucan play that game.

🎂 Getting Older

  1. I'm not old. I'm chronologically gifted.
  2. Age is just a number. Mine happens to be unlisted.
  3. I've reached the age where happy hour means a nap.
  4. My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.
  5. I don't have gray hair. I have wisdom highlights.
  6. I'm not slowing down. I'm conserving momentum.
  7. My joints predict the weather better than the forecast.
  8. I finally got my head together. Now my body is falling apart.
  9. I remember when "going viral" meant staying home from school.
  10. My memory is excellent. It's the recall department that's understaffed.
  11. I'm at the age where my back goes out more often than I do.
  12. My knees have started providing their own sound effects.
  13. I exercise every morning. I jump to conclusions and stretch the truth.
  14. I'm not retired. I'm professionally unavailable.
  15. Retirement is wonderful. Every day is Saturday, except Sunday.
  16. I'm young at heart. The rest of me has filed an appeal.
  17. I'm not over the hill. I'm enjoying the view.
  18. At my age, getting lucky means finding my glasses.
  19. I used to have a photographic memory. Now I've run out of film.
  20. My train of thought left the station without me.
  21. I've got everything I had 20 years ago. It's just lower.
  22. I'm aging like fine wine. Occasionally I need to lie down.
  23. Birthdays are good for you. People who have more of them live longer.
  24. You know you're getting older when candles cost more than the cake.
  25. I'm not 80. I'm 18 with 62 years of experience.

💼 Work & Office

  1. I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, procrastinate, and accomplish nothing simultaneously.
  2. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
  3. I'm working hard, or hardly working. The investigation continues.
  4. I have a meeting about why we have too many meetings.
  5. I put the "pro" in procrastinate.
  6. My résumé says I'm detail-oriented. My resumé says otherwise.
  7. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
  8. I love deadlines. Especially the whooshing sound they make as they pass.
  9. I'm not late. I'm on flexible time.
  10. My job is secure. Nobody else wants it.
  11. I'm indispensable. At least until lunch.
  12. I need six months of vacation, twice a year.
  13. Monday called. I hung up.
  14. Friday is my second-favorite F-word. Food is first.
  15. I'm experiencing technical difficulties. Mostly getting out of bed.

🩺 Doctors & Health

  1. The doctor told me I needed more exercise, so I changed doctors.
  2. My doctor asked if I exercise. I said, "Absolutely. I exercise caution."
  3. I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
  4. The doctor said, "Take this medicine once a day." I asked, "What happens on the other days?"
  5. I went to the doctor with hearing problems. I haven't heard from him since.
  6. The doctor said I'm in great shape. Apparently round is a shape.
  7. I told my doctor I was addicted to brake fluid. He said I could stop anytime.
  8. I swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I dyed a little inside.
  9. The doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I bought tickets to a cooking show.
  10. I told my dentist my teeth were yellow. He suggested a brown tie.

❤️ Marriage & Relationships

  1. Marriage is a workshop. One person works and the other shops.
  2. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
  3. My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
  4. My wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl. I said, "I didn't know he could."
  5. Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, and many other things you wouldn't need if you were single.
  6. My wife and I were happy for 25 years. Then we met.
  7. My wife told me I had two major faults: I don't listen and something else.
  8. My wife said, "You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?" I thought, "That's a strange way to start a conversation."
  9. Behind every successful man is a surprised wife.
  10. My wife says I have no sense of direction. So I packed my bags and right.
  11. We've been married so long, I finish her sentences. Usually incorrectly.
  12. My wife wanted something shiny for her birthday, so I polished the toaster.
  13. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We had a drink. Nice guy.
  14. My wife says I'm immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
  15. Marriage is finding that special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

🌱 Home & Garden

  1. I bought a ceiling fan. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding the ceiling.
  2. My vacuum cleaner has been gathering dust.
  3. I'm terrified of elevators, so I'm taking steps to avoid them.
  4. I used to hate my beard, but then it grew on me.
  5. The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
  6. The broom swept me off my feet.
  7. I bought Velcro yesterday. What a rip-off.
  8. The furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one nightstand.
  9. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
  10. My garden is outstanding. Mainly because I'm always standing out in it.
  11. I tried gardening, but I couldn't get to the root of the problem.
  12. I told my plants a joke. They were rooted to the spot.
  13. I'm friends with all the trees. We go way back.
  14. I planted a light bulb. I'm hoping for a power plant.
  15. The scarecrow won an award because he was outstanding in his field.

🍷 Bars & Drinking

  1. A bartender walked into a bar. He said, "Ow."
  2. I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are hard to find.
  3. Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
  4. I only drink on days ending in Y.
  5. Beer doesn't ask silly questions. Beer understands.
  6. I asked the bartender for something cold and full of rum. He introduced me to the pirate in the corner.
  7. A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
  8. Champagne is always ready to pop by.
  9. I'm not drinking alone. The wine is here too.
  10. I have mixed drinks about feelings.
  11. I make pour decisions.
  12. Sip happens.
  13. Wine not?
  14. Save water. Drink something fermented.
  15. My doctor said one glass of wine a day. He never specified the size of the glass.

🚗 Cars & Travel

  1. I'm exhausted. I spent all day putting air in tires.
  2. My car and I have a lot in common. We both make strange noises in the morning.
  3. I tried to catch some fog on vacation. I mist.
  4. I'm planning a trip to Switzerland. The flag is a big plus.
  5. I wanted to visit the world's largest pencil, but there was no point.
  6. I drove past a sign saying "Watch for Children." Sounds like a fair trade.
  7. My car's check-engine light is just its way of saying hello.
  8. I bought a new car horn. Now I can toot my own horn.
  9. The road to success is always under construction.
  10. I got fired from the calendar factory. I took a couple days off.

💻 Technology

  1. I changed my password to "incorrect." Now the computer reminds me whenever I forget.
  2. Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open.
  3. There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.
  4. My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
  5. Why did the computer go to therapy? Too many unresolved issues.
  6. My keyboard is missing a key. I've lost Ctrl.
  7. I told my computer I needed a break. Now it keeps showing me vacation ads.
  8. My phone battery and I have something in common. Neither of us lasts all day.
  9. Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I talked to my family. They seem nice.
  10. Autocorrect is my worst enema.
  11. I asked the internet for privacy. It asked for my email address.
  12. My computer has plenty of memory. I wish I could borrow some.
  13. I deleted all my cookies. Now I'm hungry.
  14. I'm trying to give up technology, but I just can't disconnect.
  15. My printer sensed I was in a hurry and immediately stopped working.

🤪 Random Groaners

  1. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  2. I'm reading a book about glue. I'm stuck on the first chapter.
  3. The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
  4. I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
  5. I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
  6. I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
  7. I used to work at a shoe factory, but I just didn't fit in.
  8. I used to work at a blanket factory, but it folded.
  9. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell into the sink.
  10. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
  11. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.
  12. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
  13. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
  14. Why don't eggs tell jokes? They might crack each other up.
  15. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
  16. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
  17. Why did the math book look sad? It had too many problems.
  18. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
  19. What did one wall say to the other? "I'll meet you at the corner."
  20. What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.
  21. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
  22. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
  23. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  24. What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
  25. What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
  26. Why couldn't the pony sing? He was a little hoarse.
  27. What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.
  28. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
  29. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  30. I told 200 puns hoping one would make you laugh. No pun in two hundred. 😏