If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
Half the people you know are below average.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
So many idiots, so few comets.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.